I left my husband on a cold day towards the end of February. The year was 2005. I had already arranged for a new home, but my rental agreement didn’t start until March 1st. We were in a limbo period. I had told him I was leaving. I told him I wanted a divorce. We were trying to share time at home with one of us, leaving each weekend so that we were “separated†but still living together.
But I could already feel the freedom. You know how when someone starts describing your favorite meal, and then it’s all you can think about? It was like that. I could taste it, right beyond my reach. All I had to do was make it a few more days living in the hell that had consumed me for almost four years.
I failed at that, but I succeeded in not only leaving but leaving honestly and without any false indication of reconciliation. I came clean about my feelings for someone else. You see, physically, as in where I lived and legally, we were still together. But my heart and mind had been gone a long time. I stayed a lot longer than I should because that’s what other people wanted me to do, even though I knew there was no way to find the love I had first encountered when I was only thirteen.
The marriage ended badly, which was my fault. But my freedom bloomed like a rose I had been staring at all winter. Moving into my own place was overwhelming but so exciting. I could decorate however I wanted. I could literally do whatever I wanted. So, I did. I bought a boat.
I grew up on the water, my father putting me behind the helm on his first boat when I was just a child. We attended boating classes together when I was 10. On the final exam, I scored higher than him, a highlight of my life at the time. He tried his best to teach me how to fish. We crabbed on the pier and scared snakes away. Behind the boat, we rode tubes, skis, wakeboards and even saw some barefoot skiing. We even had a rope swing!
So, it is probably no surprise that when my life was turned upside down, I sought to find the adventures and serenity I had known as a child and also give my kids the fun I had always found floating on the tributaries I had learned to call home. A part of me was also scared that now a single mom of two, my boating days would be limited.
I bought a boat. I walked right into Dick’s Sporting Goods and bought one right off the floor. I went against everything I had been taught and purchased one brand new to have a warranty that I hoped would keep me from having to ask for too much help when things went wrong. Accompanied by my new boyfriend of the time, I called my dad on the way home and went by for him and mom to take a look.
From there, my weekends were spent filling my boat with friends and reconciling the relationships I had burned when I left my husband and moved on quicker than anyone liked. The first year was a nightmare. My ex-husband harassed me every chance he could. He did everything within his power to extinguish the glow and happiness freedom had cast upon me. But he could no longer get to me. When you find your happiness within, no one can take it. When you are surrounded by chaos but can close your eyes, breathe, and just feel the peace take over as you idle in your happy place, you know for sure that everything is going to be okay. I created my happy place and sought it as frequently as possible. Still do.
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