The hardest part of a divorce is surviving.   

 

People don’t talk much about how divorce takes over your life. It can be just six months for the lucky ones, but for most people, it’s a minimum of a year. When lawyers and the government (judges) are brought into a personal relationship, it takes you down a horrendous journey that forces you to look at your actions in a different light. Decisions you and your spouse made are now split apart, and the private conversations you had become mud that can be slung and used against you. When the kids are involved, the slightest imperfect parenting decision can be used to scare and intimidate you and, in the worst-case scenario, even used against you as a way to take your children. Even just the threat of losing your children, no matter how thin the reason, can shake you to your core. Divorce brings out the absolute worst in people, and those who should be scared are usually the ones first willing to take down the other at all costs.

It’s the un-predictableness that gets you. One minute you are at work performing daily tasks, and then BOOM, it’s a call from your lawyer or a text from your ex with some new, unexpected twist that you didn’t predict. You find yourself on the defense all of the time. Your stress level is so high that the slightest hiccup can derail you. Your body has a physical response that can involve shaking, sweating, crying, rage, or overwhelming depression. Above all else is the loss of control. You feel like you are no longer in control of your life and once the ball is rolling, trying to stop it and returning is not an option.

Someone once told me, “the process is the punishment,” and I have found that to be true when you are going through a divorce. It moves so slowly and, by design, makes you consider giving up. Not giving up and returning to the person you are so desperately trying to escape from makes you fantasize about starting life fresh somewhere else with a new name where they can never find you. You know you won’t really do that, but your mind just keeps finding places for you to escape. For some, sadly, death becomes a consideration. Less something to avoid and something to embrace. Yes, it’s that difficult to get divorced. You will lose friends and sometimes family. You will be accused of things you didn’t do, and things you did do will be questioned and held to a level of integrity impossible to meet.

So how do you survive it?

First and foremost, remember that this is temporary. This phase of your life, “going through a divorce,” will be one of the worst periods of your life, but it is just that, a period of time with a beginning and an end. You have already seen the beginning, and the end will soon come.

Second, humans are somewhat predictable. Divorce lawyers and judges see all kinds of people before them and see through the facade that your ex thinks he/she is putting on. There are exceptions to every rule, but generally speaking, they have probably seen situations much direr than yours. Trust your lawyer or find one that you do. Make sure that you are honest with them and that they know your end goal. Do not hire a lawyer who is after blood if you want to have a good relationship with your co-parent one day.

Find someone to talk to that is not your friend. Find a therapist, a divorce coach, or a counselor that will listen while you unload the hurt and anger that will take you over. Find someone that you can call when you reach your breaking point. Make sure this person knows your end goal and can help you make decisions with that end goal in mind. But most importantly, make sure that you trust them, make sure that you can reach them when you need them, and do not be afraid to make that call.

You can make it through this. Your world will be filled with this, and then one day, you will just notice that it is no longer consuming you. You will realize you made it a whole day at work without thinking about it. Sleep will return. Laughter will once again fill your heart. It returns slowly, sometimes so slowly that you don’t even see it until it’s post-arrival. Just keep going, and don’t give up.