Holidays land a little differently for co-parents.
Even the greatest co-parents out there likely end up sharing their day with their kids, and on top of normal holiday fun (and stress), there can be coordination planning with out-of-the-ordinary drop-offs and pick-ups. It can be really hard. But that first set of holidays without your kids is gut-wrenching.
For any couple that separated this year before now, they are heading into uncharted territory. Halloween first creeps in, not exactly a “holiday,†but still an occasion that the traditions of the past years have melted. Depending on your agreement, you may not get to see your kids all dressed up, not in person anyway. Good parenting is about the kids and putting on a front that you are perfectly okay with that. It’s being happy to see pictures and maybe getting to facetime.
But Halloween is just a day. It’s October 31st every single year. Your kids might remember what they dressed up as, but more than likely, they won’t remember what day of the week it was or exactly where they went. This year Halloween is a Monday which means there will be plenty of celebrations and activities the weekend before. MAKE NEW TRADITIONS. Host a trunk-or-treat on a night you do have your kids or take them to one of the many local activities in your area. It’s about the special time they spend with you and dressing up; that’s what they will remember, not the date.
In the blink of an eye, we go from Halloween to Thanksgiving, then Christmas, and end the year with New Years’ Eve celebrations. Just like Halloween, there is plenty you can do, even if you don’t see your kids on the actual day or only see them for a small period. Thanksgiving was always a tough one to coordinate with my kids. I have two kids who do not share a father, so it was thanksgiving with both of their dads, sometimes more than one gathering, and we did thanksgiving with both my mother’s and father’s sides of the family. It was too much. After a few years of being left feeling like there was a hole in my heart, I changed it up. I decided Thanksgiving eve would be when I focused on having a nice dinner with my kids. I still worked on having them attend as much as possible on the actual day, but I felt like I got my time in already, and it helped me considerably each year as that day approached.
Christmas morning was the biggest argument that my exes and I ever had over the co-parenting schedule. I couldn’t imagine waking up on Christmas morning without watching my kids enter the room to see what Santa brought. But joint shared custody and a 50/50 schedule don’t leave room for such things every year, so I had to figure out how to make it work. In the end, we decided to switch years. On odd years (regardless of the normal week on/week off schedule), my youngest would wake up with me and then be shuttled off to his dad’s. On even years, we swapped him mid-morning after he woke up at his dad’s. After doing this for a few years, I realized something totally unexpected. I liked the years that I got him from his Dad mid-morning over having him wake up and swept out the door. It was certainly tough trying to get my family to wait to open gifts until his arrival, but it worked. My kids were lucky in that their Dads both celebrated Christmas with their families on Christmas Eve, and mine was Christmas morning, so it was easier for them to be able to get to do both.
Just like how Christmas changes when you go from being a kid to an adult, then again when you become a parent, co-parenting Christmas changes too. It’s not better or worse, but different. You may have to be more creative and really focus on starting new traditions that you can keep every year and be a little flexible about how/when you do them. Over the years, a fancy Christmas dinner morphed into a brunch because, with our schedules, the kids would always be there at some point in the morning hours. It works for us, and it’s something I look forward to every year as my kids have transformed into little adults I look forward to it more than waking them up to open their gifts. I know that when they marry and have their own kids, we will have to make changes again, but I feel more prepared to deal with that based on my years of co-parenting.
It’s about creating your own traditions and special time with your kids, not the days that happen on a calendar. If you are struggling to make peace with sharing holidays, please check my website for a free breakthrough session or our online course, “Co-parenting Improvement Program,†which focuses on communicating better with your ex and your children and reshaping your mindset to see the beauty in the time you have with your kids, not focusing on what you are missing.
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